Parts of Me, Unfortunately
Most of the time, when you remember someone you’ve lost, things are overwhelmingly positive. You remember the wonderful times you had together, the fun trips, the heartfelt conversations. I’ve been dwelling perhaps too much on the negative recently.
In some way or another, I’ve lost my dad. I don’t talk to him anymore. This was done on my own volition, as our relationship was rocky. It was emotionally draining being constantly at odds with him. Growing up, he wasn’t around much, and when he was around, it was scary. When my parents separated he made it abundantly clear that he hated my mom. The disdain he felt for her inevitably trickled down to me, as I am so much like my mother. All I can think of when I grieve this loss is, “I wish he were better”. I’m sad it didn’t work out the way it should have, that we couldn’t have a normal father-daughter relationship. I am grateful to be free of him, his negativity, but I mourn what could have been.
In a much more physical manner, I have also lost my mom, with whom the majority of my memories are full of smiles and laughter. I remember our adventures at the Olympics, our Tour de France watch parties, our endless cross-country road trips listening to 60s & 70s rock on our way to national parks. She was a fantastic mom. Like anyone, though, she had her shortfalls. I remember her mood swings and the subsequent feelings of damage control that flooded me whenever she turned sour. I remember her short fuse, getting mad at seemingly small things and blowing up at whoever was near (that was me, typically). I had the thought last week that I was relieved I didn’t have to deal with that anymore. And immediately, I was wracked with guilt.
It’s really hard for me to grapple with the idea that I could be so upset about the loss of someone, while at the same time acknowledging that they aren’t perfect and being… happy, that I was free from parts of them. Ultimately, I contain some of those parts. I have my mom’s short fuse. I have my dad’s disorganization. I’m not completely free. But the fleeting thought of being “relieved” seems wrong. I have plenty of negative traits, ones that I would pay good money to be rid of, ones that bog me down and I can never seem to grow out of. How many people will be relieved to see those go? To see me go?
I have spiraled about this one, fleeting thought. It has turned into a fury of negative self-talk and heavy guilt. A desire to be a recluse and avoid interaction so my negativity can’t spread. I hope I snap out of this soon.