Mother’s Day
I lost my mom a few years ago to cancer. She was, for all intents and purposes, a single parent to me growing up. My dad traveled all the time for work, and when he was back in the city, he ended up in hotels most of the time, saying he had to “work late”. We would later find out that wasn’t true, but for the sake of this post, I won’t go into too much detail.
When she passed, I became, for all intents and purposes, orphaned (granted, this was as a 24 year old, so I was wholly self-sufficient and being dramatic). I existed in the world knowing I had no family left, and that weight was incredibly heavy, exasperated on birthdays and holidays. But Mother’s Day was not a holiday we actively celebrated outside of a nice meal and a gift or two, since my mom called it a “Hallmark Holiday”. And there’s some truth to that.
Now, Mother’s Day serves as a reminder of my own loneliness. I gear up to delete Instagram every Mother’s Day weekend to avoid the barrage of “love you so much” & “what would I do without you” posts, more than anything as self-preservation, to dodge the feelings of overwhelming jealousy, anger, and sadness. I used to be a “what would I do without you” daughter, leaning fully on my mom for emotional support and expert advice and sometimes a much needed ass-kicking to get my shit together. But now I know what I would do without her. And so much of it sucks.
This desperate need to call her comes up once in a while. Sometimes the topic du jour is kind of stupid, like what I’m planning to make for dinner or trying to figure out what to wear to a black tie wedding. And thankfully, I can ask my friends for their opinions or spend hours on Pinterest to satiate my desire to shoot the shit on the phone with my mom. But recently, especially post-election, my desperation for conversation with her has increased significantly. There is nobody I feel comfortable enough with to discuss the idea of having children. Is it ethical to bring a new life onto earth if global warming is increasing rapidly and the rights of minorities are overturned? What happens if I have a child and the Department of Education is eradicated? If the science behind vaccines is questioned so much that avoidable disease skyrockets and my child is put at risk? Nobody in my current circle would be able to provide advice to those questions. I’m not even sure if mom could, but she was the smartest person I knew, and I could at least get her opinion.
It’s been difficult to traverse life without my confidant. I’m entering new phases of adulthood, like engagement ring shopping and wedding planning, that I truly never thought I’d have to go through alone. I’ve heard time and time again not to pity myself, that so many people go through similar circumstances, but I do have waves of self-pity. It’s hard not to. It feels so incredibly unfair for a health-conscious, non-smoking, active woman to get lung cancer. It feels unfair that I have to now continue my 20s and beyond without her. Mom would tell me I couldn’t call it unfair since so many people get cancer, that it’s the hand I’ve been dealt and I need to deal. So I’m dealing - I’m just not happy about it.
The self-pity wave brought on by Mother’s Day has passed for now. I made cookies, I planted flowers, and I read outside in the sun with Scout. Little things that bring joy and take my mind off of things. And I’ll continue to deal, at least until the next wave of self-pity hangs over me and I start indignantly calling things unfair again.